Putting parents at the centre
In youth work, we don't often see the parents and carers so it can feel tricky to know how to encourage them as they disciple their young person.
I remember when my daughter started high school. I found it incredibly frustrating. No longer could I pop in and check out a question with her teacher; there was no ‘school gate’ community to keep me informed; I didn’t even understand the curriculum or timetable anymore! I still wanted to be part of helping her learn well but I felt like I was no longer significant. I didn’t just want to be involved once or twice a year at parents’ evenings; I wanted to be treated as someone who was a powerful influence on my child and key to her school success.
There can often be an unwritten understanding in churches that once children hit the youth group, their parents’ and carers’ involvement stops at the door. The focus is on the kids, and youth teams work incredibly hard and creatively to enable the young people in their care to deepen their relationships with God, whilst navigating the complex challenges of becoming an adult. But once we recognise that God’s intention is that parents and carers are the primary spiritual disciplers of their children and that nothing we do at church can match the influence they have, we need to consider what that might mean for our youth ministries. If our most important role as youth ministers is to walk alongside parents and carers as they disciple their kids (better than we can) this has profound implications for how we shape what we do with the young people in our care, and their parents and carers.
The following may help you work out what that looks like for you.
Share the vision
Your first step may be to share this vision with your team and the parents and carers, so that everyone involved understands what this new approach is and why it is important, and can get on board with it! Things to think about:
- Do your church leaders share this vision? If not, how can you share it with them?
- How can you share this new way of thinking with your team? What skills and tools might they need to understand?
- How do the parents and carers understand their role in discipling their young person? How can you share this vision with them?
Invest in parents and carers
You may be rushed off your feet just doing the youth work, but it is worth prioritising getting to know parents and carers and allowing time to chat or have coffee with them. Unless you do that, you are unlikely to be in a position to support them well. Think about times and ways you could do that; for example:
- At the beginning and end of youth club, how could you (or someone else) be available to parents and carers for a chat and catch up without having to rush off on duty?
- How could you create opportunities to get to know parents and carers socially?
- How could you open up conversations with parents and carers about how they and their kids are doing spiritually and if there’s anything you can do to help them disciple their kids in a particular area?
- How can you help parents and carers understand the culture their children are living in? Could you point them to information about the latest developments in the online world, or research relevant to their kids and technology, or teens and mental health, for example?
Big them up!
We know from the research that parents and carers are incredibly important in young people’s faith development, and as youth leaders we are in a great position to help strengthen that parent/child bond that can often feel fragile during the teen years. Without ignoring their frustrations or moans about their parents or carers, how can you find ways to help young people see their parents and carers through others’ eyes? Positive reflections on a their character or skills are powerful and can help build relationship.
- How can you create opportunities for your young people to recognise their parents and carers are a great source of advice, or have stories of their own faith journeys that are fascinating and helpful? For example, when discussing a tricky topic, ask what advice or stories they might have heard from their parents and carers, or even task them to ask. Sharing stories of times your own parents were able to guide you may also help them see their parents and carers as wise and loving people who can help them navigate these issues well.
Could you create experiences for parents and carers and kids to play and work together, so that they get to build connection? These could be as simple as a games night all the way up to a trip to the local laser quest, or planning and going on an overseas mission trip. Within these you may be able to build in space for profound conversations and opportunities to open up about life together. - Praise kids to their parents and carers: be quick to reflect back positives about young people to their parents and can help parents see the beauty in their children that’s often smothered by the chaos and angst of raising a teen!
Communicate well
It can feel even harder to keep lines of communication with parents open as kids get older. But by ensuring good communication you can keep parents and carers in the loop, allow them to talk to their kids about what they’ve done and learned, and raise concerns they may have with you before the event. Think about:
- How do you let your parents and carers know what topics you’ll be covering this term? Do you know if the information gets to them? Is it easy for them to get in touch with you?
- Are there times when it might be beneficial to give them advanced warning of particular topics or more information than usual?
- What avenues of communication do you currently have, and what might you want to add?
- Do parents feel able to drop in for a chat or ask a question?
Help parents adapt their skills
Whether your parents and carers have done a Parenting for Faith course or not, spiritually parenting a teen can feel a whole new ball game, and we can help them learn how to grow and adapt for this new season. The following may be a helpful starting place:
- How do you know what help your parents and carers may want or where they are struggling? How could you find out?
- What skills or tools might they need?
- Could you run our free Parenting Teens for a Life of Faith course for the parents and carers?
- Are there wise people in church who might be able to walk alongside your parents and carers for this part of their journey?
- How could you create opportunities for parents and carers to come together to learn from others and each other?
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