Framing and additional needs: FAQs
In session two of both the original Parenting for Faith course, and the Parenting Teens for a Life of Faith course, Rachel talks about the Key Tool of Framing and how to help our children understand the world and God in it.
If a child or teen has additional needs, this may need some adapting to make it work well for them. Here are some questions we have been asked together with some answers shaped by friends of Parenting for Faith, Kay Morgan-Gurr, Mark Arnold and Naomi Graham.
How can I build a spiritual framework for life for my child when they have cognitive needs?
When we build frameworks for our children, we generally start where they are – with what they recognise, what they need to know and what they can comprehend. So, before a child starts school, we frame for them what will happen, who will be in their class, what they will wear. Then, as their circumstances change, we frame the next thing. Framing isn’t an educational process – it’s about what your child needs now.
The best way to start building a spiritual framework for your child – whatever their needs – is exactly where they are and what they need today. So just as you help your child make sense of their everyday life, even if it’s simply that you always do stretches before you put their clothes on, you can talk about where God is and what he’s doing. That may be that he is with us while we sleep, how he made what they can see out of the window and how when you are sad, he comforts you. You can also use the things your child enjoys to help you talk about God – for example, showing them objects, pictures, touch, singing, blowing bubbles.
How can we ‘verbally frame’ when my child doesn’t understand and communicate with language?
All children, however profound their needs, can communicate. As their parent, you will be very used to spotting and understanding what your child is telling you as well as communicating back. Although the course talks about ‘verbally framing’, making sense of life doesn’t just have to be through talking.
We communicate in so many different ways – a funny face to indicate that we don’t agree with what someone’s just said, a hug as affirmation, gestures and so on. Just use the ways your child communicates as you frame, but even if you aren’t sure of their level of understanding you may find it helpful to be talking as you frame.
How can I do wondering or use questions to frame if my child doesn’t cognitively understand or doesn’t ask questions?
Using questions or wondering out loud are only some of the tools to help frame things for children. If this doesn’t work for a child, that’s okay. You may be able to adapt the way you use questions or wondering so the child can indicate yes or no. For example, if you were looking at the story of Joseph in the Bible, instead of asking, ‘How was God feeling when the brothers lied to their dad?’, you could make suggestions, like ‘Do you think he was happy/sad/cross?’, and see where that leads. Again, you can adapt the questions tool so that your child can indicate preference in answer to your suggestions.
What’s the best way to use Bible stories to help frame things for my child?
Before we can explore a Bible story, we have to read or hear it, however we do that.
You may have Bible story books which your child enjoys, a Bible app they use, such as the Bible App for Kids or Superbook, or videos they like to watch, such as the ones produced for The Jesus Storybook Bible or those from the Pixel Heart YouTube channel. The Accessible Bible (New Testament) may also be a good option for an older child or young person.
If you tell a story to your child, could you tell it in a multisensory way – bringing it alive using all the senses? This might mean showing them pictures or handling objects, telling the story using Minecraft or Lego, depicting God’s love through a hug, or swaying from side to side like the little boat on the stormy lake – however your child enjoys and understands.
Framing using Bible stories is simply a tool to show us how God interacts with his people. As you share the story of Gideon and the fleece, you could talk about how we make choices and God can help us do that. Or the story of David and Goliath might be a prompt to think about how God can help us do difficult things. You know your child best, so as you share Bible stories, build in framing naturally as you go. How might this story relate to their life at the moment?
My child is dyslexic and struggles with reading and processing the Bible: how can I help them?
We have some age-specific sessions on accessing God’s word when you have reading difficulties. There’s also some techniques written by a woman with dyslexia about how she engages with the Bible, that might give you some more ideas.
What if my child or I have some really hard questions about disability and why God has allowed us to go through this?
There will always be questions we find hard to answer, but the questions tool taught in this session of the course will help us answer hard – and personal – questions just as much as more theoretical ones.
If it is your child asking a hard question about why they have a disability, it is really important that you share how you deal with that question (step 4 of the questions tool) – even if it is that you don’t know.
Things that may help you think about these sorts of questions will include:
• God sees us and knows us all as individuals (e.g. Psalm 139:1–18), and God doesn’t discriminate (Galatians 3:28). Jesus prioritised those who were marginalised and those who were perceived to be weak, misunderstood or on the edges of society.
• The Bible is very clear that God has no restrictions on who can access his love. Jesus tells his followers to make ‘disciples of all nations’ (Matthew 28:19); the apostle Paul writes: ‘There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus’ (Galatians 3:28). Difference doesn’t matter in God’s kingdom – and never excludes.
• God has promised to be with us always, to always help us in any circumstance: ‘God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out’ (1 Corinthians 10:13, GNT)
• It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to know. In many Psalms, David complains to God about his circumstances. He doesn’t always get an answer, but always comes back to knowing that God is faithful.
• Thinking about where you or your child are in the cycle of grief (see here for an explanation of the cycle of grief and how it can impact us), recognising that new circumstances can trigger a new cycle of grief.
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