Creating windows and additional needs: FAQs

In session one of both the original Parenting for Faith course, and the Parenting Teens for a Life of Faith course, Rachel talks about this idea that parents and carers are 'perfectly positioned' to help their children and teens meet and know God by allowing them to see glimpses of their faith.

If a child or teen has additional needs, this may feel different. Here are some questions we have been asked together with some answers shaped by some friends of Parenting for Faith, Kay Morgan-Gurr, Mark Arnold and Naomi Graham.

How can I be perfectly positioned to parent my child for faith?

All parents sometimes doubt their ability to parent well. Parents or carers of children with additional needs may feel this more acutely: your child’s development may not be typical, you  may be struggling with the responsibilities of their role and emotionally be in a difficult place, or you may just be tired and overwhelmed. The following may be helpful things to consider:

• Deuteronomy 6:4–9, God’s blueprint for discipling children, is all about discipling as we go about with our everyday tasks – whatever those are. If we have an ‘everyday’ – whatever that looks like – we can parent our children for faith.
• The parenting journey can look very different if you have a child with additional needs. There’s a helpful post here which talks about the cycle of grief many parents go through. It also includes Emily Perl Kingsley’s ‘Welcome to Holland’ story, which many people have found useful.
• It may be helpful to discover communities where you will find support as well as stories of faith and disability, such as the Additional Needs Alliance Facebook page.
• There is a beautiful picture in Revelation 3:20 of God seeking us out: ‘Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.’ Our job as parents is simply to help our children open the door to God: the rest is up to him.

Truth from the Bible

• The good news is that the heart of our relationship with God isn’t knowledge; it’s relationship. Jesus welcomed the children without questioning their motive or knowledge – he simply loved them (Matthew 19:13–14). God has a unique one-to-one relationship with us that doesn’t depend on whether we know the Bible or can pray well.
• The Bible is very clear that God has no restrictions on who can access his love. Jesus’ ministry included everyone, and he tells his followers to make ‘disciples of all nations’ (Matthew 28:19); Paul explains in Galatians 3:28 that ‘there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus’. Difference doesn’t matter in God’s kingdom – and never excludes.
• We know from the Bible that God sees and knows us all as individuals – see for example Psalm 139:1–18.
• God seeks us out and initiates relationship with us (see for example 1 John 4:19).

Because God knows us, and made us, and is infinitely creative, he is able to connect with everyone of us in the ways that work best for us – Kay Morgan-Gurr has some great examples, and Mark Arnold describes some children he has met and how they connect with God. There’s a really encouraging story here, and Ros Bayes, from Through the Roof, shares some of her daughter’s story here.

What if my child doesn’t have cognitive ability to be God-smart?

Rachel uses the phrases ‘God-smart’ and ‘God-connected’ to describe different ways people relate to God. You may feel that, because of their child’s particular needs, he or she can never be God-smart. However, here are some things to consider:

• God-smart isn’t about being intelligent or cognitively able. It means knowing about God, being around God and church, being familiar with the idea of God. For some children this may mean being
  very knowledgeable about the Bible, but for others it will mean just being comfortable with or used to ‘God stuff’, like reading Bible stories, saying grace, being with Christians, going to church – whatever that looks like in your family.
• God-connected means having a close, connected relationship with him – one that isn’t dependent on a third party. You don’t need to be God-smart to be God-connected.
• Our desire and our aim for our children is that they become God-connected – ‘rooted and established in God’s love… and filled to the measure of all of the fullness of God’ (see Ephesians 3:14–19). Being God-smart is good, but it isn’t essential or a priority. The relationship God longs to have with each of us is not based on cognitive knowledge but on love and connection with him.

My child finds it hard to relate to an invisible God. How can they connect to him?

We are all uniquely made and wired differently, and that includes how we connect to God. If your child deals best in facts rather than imagination, you might find it hard to imagine how they could be God-connected rather than God-smart. However, we can connect to God in many different ways. Many people find they understand God best through studying the Bible and learning about God, and this helps them connect with him. There’s an article on the website that may be useful for you and your child, thinking about supporting ‘intellectual wrestlers’. There are also some ideas for helping children and young people ‘catch’ what God is communicating to them here.

I’m not sure how I can tell where my child is spiritually (particularly if they can’t communicate with me)

We know that 80% of our communication isn’t verbal. It may be helpful for parents to reflect on how their child does communicate with them in the day to day. How do they show preference? How do they
communicate their needs? How do they initiate connection with you?

If spirituality is about God-connection, maybe there are clues your child is giving that aren’t verbal. When they are in church, what do you observe? Are there particular stories or songs or activities they
enjoy? How do you see or feel God working in your child at the moment? How do they connect with you and people they know well and love? How do they show preference, and what clues can you pick up
from their reactions?

Naomi Graham’s Love Surpassing Knowledge (River Publishing and Media, 2018) explores the different ways we can communicate – and God can communicate with us – through our senses, and it may be a helpful resource.

What might it look like for my child with additional needs to be God-connected, particularly if they need one-to-one support to do anything?

While we want our children to have an independent connection with God, that doesn’t mean they can’t have help to get there (as we so often have: for example, a worship band leading us in worship, someone preaching, a friend pointing out a beautiful sunset). It may help to talk about the difference between feeding a child and putting a spoon in a child’s hand so they can feed themselves. A child may need someone’s help to enable them to meet with God but we can trust God that he will meet with them (see, for example, Mark 10:13–16: people brought the children to Jesus, but then Jesus took them in his arms).

There will be things all parents can do to help their child connect with God. They will know how their child communicates and connects in everyday life, so can use those skills and preferences to set up
opportunities for connection. For example, if your child uses technology to communicate with you, could they use it to communicate with God? If they use a communication board, could you create some new symbols for them about God-connection? If your child loves music, what about downloading worship tracks you use at church or enjoy at home for them? How could you engage all their senses in thinking about and connecting with God: for example, wrapping a child in a soft blanket to illustrate what God’s love feels like. For more ideas on this, see Naomi Graham’s Love Surpassing Knowledge.

This is a post from Miriam Gwynne about how her autistic son worships.

How do I give my child windows into my relationship with God when I am constantly chasing my tail just to get them through the day?

Caring for a child with additional needs can leave you feeling like you have simply no time or energy for anything other than managing their ordinary, physical needs. Parents may need reassurance that this
doesn’t mean you can’t parent for faith! Deuteronomy 6:4-9 talks about the everyday:

Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be
on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your
hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. 

This could just as easily read: ‘Talk about them as you dress your child and strap them in their buggy, and when you are sitting in the consultant’s waiting room, when you hug them after a meltdown and
when you wake with them again in the small hours.’ God’s plan is simply for parents to show their children glimpses of their relationship with him as it happens, in the ordinary and the extraordinary – whatever your life looks like. Our brains are wired to learn by watching and trying, so however you connect with God – praying, taking a moment to be still, listening to a podcast that inspires you, worshipping – let your child see you do it. Then you have created a window for them to see a real, two-way connection with him.

You might also be interested in:

Chat and catch and additional needs: FAQs

Creating windows into every aspect of our lives

Framing and additional needs: FAQs