Connecting with church and additional needs: FAQs

30 January 2024

In session eight of the original Parenting for Faith course and session five of the Parenting Teens for a Life of Faith course, Rachel Turner talks about how to help our children and teens engage with church.

All children and young people will engage with church in their own way, but there may be particular issues for children or teens with additional needs. Here are some questions we have been asked together with some answers shaped by friends of Parenting for Faith, Kay Morgan-Gurr, Mark Arnold and Naomi Graham.

What if my child can’t connect with church like other children?

It may be hard to see if or how your child is connecting with church. It may help to consider how they connect with things at home, what sorts of things engage them, help them settle or attract their attention:

If they love music, your child might love sitting very close to the band or having their own drum or shaker to join in with or ribbons to wave.
Would using a picture Bible or a Bible app help them engage with the service?
Do they enjoy their Sunday group, or would they prefer to stay in the main service?
Would ear defenders help them enjoy worship more?
For some children, the settled routine of a traditional service might be easier than the free-flowing unpredictability of informal worship.

We often think of connecting with church purely in terms of engaging with what happens on a Sunday morning, but there are ways for us to connect with the values of church that aren’t just about the Sunday groups and the church service. You may be able to help your child engage with these better in a home or small group environment.

How do I know what part my child has to play in church?

The Bible teaches us that we are all part of the body of Christ and as such we all have value and we all have a particular part to play in God’s purpose:

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with
Christ. For we were all baptised by one Spirit so as to form one body – whether Jews or Gentiles,
slave or free – and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. And so the body is not made up of one
part but of many.
1 Corinthians 12:12–14

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the
same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the
others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.
Romans 12:4–6

God has particular purposes for each one of us, regardless of what are abilities or disabilities are. Here are some stories of children who have played a powerful part in God’s kingdom:

Bella, a young adult with Down’s Syndrome and very little speech attends her local church every Sunday for the early Communion. She often wanders around but loves touching others and being
hugged. As she moves around she spontaneously hugs and touches the people around her, many of whom are elderly and alone for most of the week, and who love seeing Bella every Sunday. Without
realising it, Bella is bringing love to a whole group of people.
Heidi, a young adult Girls’ Brigade leader who is advocates nationally for disability rights who has Down’s Syndrome.
A 14-year-old boy with autism who serves powerfully in his church.
A reflection from Jonathan Bryan on how ‘God used me, not in spite of my disabilities, but because of them’.

You may be aware of things your child loves to do which may be able to be used in church – for example, being passionate about technology or loving to play with younger children. Or you may be aware of a particular characteristic they have, such as being very welcoming or loving to help. Thinking about the following questions might help you spot how your child may already be playing their part, or how you might be able to facilitate them to do so:

What can I see God doing in my life and my child’s life?
Can I tell a story about what I’ve seen God doing in my child’s life?
How do you feel that God is outworking his plan in your life, your child’s life or your family’s life?
How do you feel God might be using your experience to help others? God can be redeeming things through what is happening in your life.

How can my child play their part when they need help to do just about everything?

Many of us need support to do things. What that might look like for your child depends on them and you are the expert in your child and will be able to tell what they need. Many things also happen best in teams, so if your child loves welcoming people what might it look like for your family to be a team, welcoming people together? Or could your child start to care for babies in the creche by shadowing and being supported by an experienced volunteer? If your child loves music, is there a way they could join with leading worship – maybe by signing or playing the song they know?

We’ve had such bad experiences of church that I don’t know how we can really be part of one again

Naomi Graham, in Love Surpassing Knowledge, says:
As God’s people we are all part of his family. We are all ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14). We are all precious to God and can receive his ‘steadfast love’ that he pours out on us (Psalm 136:1). As Paul writes in Galatians 3:28, ‘there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus’.

And Rachel Turner, in Parenting Children for a Life of Faith, talks about church like this:

We want our children to connect with church because it is a place of belonging, a home away from home. Church is the gift of a family of God who will love and encourage our children. It is a place for them to explore God, be needed by others and be taken care of. It is a community who will support and inspire our children to know and love God, and help them grow in connection with him.

And while church is God’s gift to us and for us all, sadly it is not uncommon for families with children or teens with additional needs not to have felt that and understandably be reluctant to go back.

While Sunday church is our usual understanding of church, it is important to remember that ‘church’ is wherever Christians gather. If you aren’t able to attend church on Sunday, are there ways you can be church with a small group? Maybe invite other Christians over regularly to eat and pray with you, or go out with other Christian families, or meet up – online or in person – with Christians who love and support you and whom you can love and support.

If you feel able to try church again, it may be worth researching churches near you who are striving to be inclusive. Check out their websites, go along and have a look, make an appointment with their children’s leaders or others to ask questions. The Additional Needs Alliance is building a database of accessible churches which you can see here. And if you do go to church, it is really helpful if you can tell the children’s or youth leaders what might help your child to be there well. Hopefully they will ask you, but do talk to them if not! Accessibility works best as a partnership between family and church.

My child just doesn’t want to come to church. She struggles to connect with anyone there or what’s going on. How can I help her feel part of church?

If church is a difficult environment for your child or you struggle to get them there, you may need to be creative about how you can engage them with church and build relationships. Things you could think
about:

If your church live streams the service, could they watch that?
Could you invite friends from church round regularly to build relationships, or host a small group your child could be part of?
Do you know what it is about church that is putting them off? You may be able to make changes that make coming to church easier, such as using ear defenders to reduce noise, allowing your child to stay with you instead of going to a group, just being there for part of the morning.
Are there things church does other than Sundays that your child could be part of – a community activity or a group?