Three truths Christian grandparents need to know
How can grandparents help their grandchildren meet and know God? Here are three truths every Christian grandparent needs to know.
In 2022 Sarah Holmes, of Liverpool Hope University, undertook some research with Christian grandparents. What she discovered was that the grandparents she spoke to just weren’t sure of their role in discipling their grandchildren. Some lacked confidence both as a Christian grandparent and in their knowledge of how to share faith with their grandchildren. Others wondered about the boundaries – was it all right to share your faith with your grandchildren? Others lamented that they rarely saw their grandchildren so it was difficult to see how they could make a difference.
Grandparents want the best for their grandchildren – and for those of us who are Christians, the best will always include meeting and knowing the God who makes such a difference to our lives. We know that to truly flourish, grandchildren need to not just know about God, but to know him, as a friend, a father, a saviour, a comforter and so much more. But it can feel hard to know how to share God with grandchildren.
We see from the bible, in particular Deuteronomy 6:4-9, that God’s design for for children is that they learn about him from and with their families. When God first gave those words to Moses, most grandparents lived cheek by jowl with their grandchildren, part of the same family group, and so you can imagine that sharing God with the grandchildren would happen naturally. But today, because our society is so different, it’s easy to feel that this plan, for grandparents to be an integral part of their grandchildren’s discipleship, no longer applies. Today most grandparents have challenges of time, distance and family dynamics that limit their time with their families; and when it comes to sharing your faith with your grandchildren there can be all sorts of other hurdles to overcome.
So can grandparents effectively share faith with their grandchildren? The answer is a resounding yes. Because God has designed you to be particularly influential in your grandchildren’s lives, because you can create and grow connection with your grandchildren that will allow faith to be understood, and because God is able to work through every circumstance – even those that seem hopeless or unbelievably hard.
These are three truths every Christian grandparent needs to know.
1. You are influential – whether you know it or not
Think back to your childhood. Can you remember your grandparents? What is it about them that still influences you today? Although I have never seen them play, my grandad’s passion for Sheffield United means that they are still ‘my’ team. I feel attached to Camberwell in South London because my grandma lived there. And I still believe that roast lamb is the right dinner to serve for a family get together because my other grandma told me so! Children are shaped by their families, as they watch and learn, pick up some things and discard others.
Karl Pillemer, of Cornell University, reported that ‘as many as 9 out of 10 adult grandchildren feel their grandparents influenced their values and behaviors’. And the influence of grandparents isn’t just limited to value and behaviours. Other researchers have shown that grandparents are good for their grandchildren’s mental and emotional health, and help to improve resilience and encourage pro-social behaviour and better peer relationships. It seems that simply by existing and being known, who you are and what you do influences your grandchildren.
And wonderfully, this influence also extends to discipling grandchildren. Vern L Bengtson, in Families and Faith, laid out the findings of his longitudinal research on how faith is transmitted in families. He followed 350 families for 35 years to see how faith is, or is not, passed down from one generation to the next. At the end of 35 years, he noted ‘the unexpected importance of grandparents’: regardless of the parents’ faith, grandparents can be highly significant in the development of faith in their grandchildren.
It seems that grandparents do have influence on their grandchildren’s faith – even when the parents do not have or encourage faith in those same grandchildren.
So that’s truth number 1. You are spiritually influential in the lives of your grandchildren and have huge potential to be part of their faith journeys. Simply because you are a grandparent, God has positioned you so you can help your grandchildren meet and know God.
2. Connection is key
Grandparents and grandchildren seem to be set up to connect well: there’s an expectation of love and interest from children which means that even if they regard every other grey-haired person on the planet as irrelevant, they do crave connection with their grey-haired grandparents. Grandparents will often talk about how overwhelming their love is for their grandchildren; how special they are and how they love them unconditionally.
Being in a close relationship with someone who loves you enables all sorts of good things: not just the pure enjoyment of each other’s company, but the freedom to be vulnerable, the courage to trust, and the willingness to learn from each other. We are ready to be influenced by people we trust and love and open to learn from their experiences and wisdom. So the closer you are to your grandchildren, the better positioned you will be to share all the good things you have with your grandchildren, including and meeting and knowing the God you love.
It’s true that feeling and being connected to grandchildren can be a lot more complex than connecting with your own children. There are the inevitable challenges of time, distance and faith. You may find that your grandchildren’s conversations are peppered with ideas and words that are new to you, or they are growing up and less keen to spend time with you. You may have adopted, fostered or step-grandchildren. Your grandchildren may be neurodiverse or have particular needs. And of course, not every family feels well-connected and relationships can be complicated. But if you can grow, maintain and build your connections with your grandchildren you are paving the way for good stuff to follow – including sharing God with them.
When we were researching for the book ‘Grandparenting for Faith’, this was the advice we received from one Christian grandparent: ‘Make an effort – put yourself out. Foster their friendships. Be different to their mum and dad. There will be opportunities for you to be a different voice than their mum or dad’s, conversations they will have with you they won’t have with their mum or dad.’
Find ways to grow connection with your grandchildren – whether that’s regularly being in touch, developing shared interests, being curious about their worlds, or simply letting them know your love for them is unconditional and there – regardless of what other’s might think or do.
Truth number 2: God’s designed grandparents and grandchildren to seek connection. When you are actively connected to your grandchildren you will better be able to share faith with them.
3. No-one said it would be easy – but God is able to work through every circumstance
When we interviewed grandparents as part of the research for the book ‘Grandparenting for Faith’, one of the things we didn’t expect was how quickly most of the interviewees told us that being a grandparent wasn’t straightforward. You may have times when you feel powerless, hopeless or just confused when you watch the lives of your grandchildren play out, and it may feel hard to imagine that you can help your family meet and know God in whatever situation it is they are facing.
We heard about all sorts of situations: adult children who’ve rejected faith and may even prohibit grandparents from talking about God; grandparents who’d been banned from seeing their grandchildren or where contact was just plain hard because of family dynamics; grandparents who lived thousands of miles away from their grandchildren; grandparents watching their family in pain because of tragedy, illness or circumstances; and grandparents whose own health and frailty limited what they could do.
No-one said it would be easy – and it rarely is! But God’s involved in all of it. His design has always been that grandparents are part of his design for helping grandchildren meet and know God – and that doesn’t change because your situation is less than ideal. He also knows what you can manage, and he won’t demand more of you than you are capable of – and he does have a plan. Be encouraged. Whatever it looks like on the outside, God’s not finished with your family yet. As you pray for your grandchildren and their families, keep asking God for your next step. He’s on the case!
Truth number 3: being a grandparent is never going to be non-stop roses around the door – but God’s able to work in you and through you in all of it.
The book Grandparenting for Faith is full of practical steps and wisdom from grandparents and grandchildren that will help you find your next step in sharing God with your grandchildren, whatever your circumstances.
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